DUBA'S ARC - THE LOST ENTRIES
This is it...the lost entries found on Duba's myspace blog...drum roll please............

Monday, September 19, 2005
Duba recently caught up with Ferret Bob and Mojo the monkey. Here is their story, and more will come.Ferret Bob has had many kids since 1999. He told Duba he had about 45, but his different baby mammas ate a total of 31. Duba ate a baby ferret once, and I must say they taste better when they are live and not a fetus. Anyway, Ferret Bob had his kids do work around the nest/cage. He sold 10 of them to pet stores, you know how the big conglomerates make offers that sometimes a father cannot refuse. Petsmart, Petco, Zoos-they're all geniuses. The other 4 that were left were his daughters. Ferret Bob ended up impregnating all of them because, well, he's a ferret. How the Hell does he know what's right or wrong. Besides, how can you argue with a Ferret? You usually cannot get more than Wicky Wicky Wicky out of him. Anyway, Ferret Bob must have had a change of judgement as he ate all four of them while they were pregnant. Let Duba tell you something, it's a ferret eat ferret world out there.Mojo the monkey has been in and out of 6 zoos, one wild life preservation, and 6 Flags wild safari. Mojo had a cameo in an episode of Steve Erwin the Crocodile Hunter, but he quickly ended his relationship with the show after wrongfully being labeled as an ape, not a chimp. You all know what happens when you don't hail to the chimp. Mojo is currently hiding out in the attic of a soon to be rebuilt home in the middle of Camden, trying to get Duba and Ferret Bob back in touch to rebuild an arc, and go back to his mother land in Zambia. He misses the land of vines to swing from and the village women's jungle berries. Mojo wrote me a letter that was partly torn in half. There was an opposable thumprint made of feces that held the envelope closed, a sure sign that the letter was from Duba's fellow primate. In the letter was a bunch of scribble and half eaten paper. Monkeys will only eat some of the paper until they realize they cannot digest it properly. In other words, there were no words in the letter, but Duba followed the letter back to Camden. "Great," thought Duba. "Duba has to go into Camden to find a monkey?" Duba checked everywhere...the Tweeter Center, the trunks of cars, Rutgers/Rowan/Camden County College. Finally, Duba heard some screaming from the third floor of a row home. Appearantly, somebody found Mojo. Duba immediately called Ferret Bob via cellular phone and asked him if he recognized the primal sounds. Ferret Bob told Duba to trust Duba's heart, that it had to be Mojo. Sure enough, Duba waited until the first of the month for the house patron to leave and quickly snuck up to the attic. Duba found Mojo, passed out next to a bottle of Jack Daniels and the April 1997 National Geographic. Duba scooped up Mojo and ran out of the house before the inhabitant returned home. Duba ran to Ferret Bob's home in dumpster of Dunkin' Donuts. Duba, Ferret Bob, and Mojo all caught up on the times. Mojo expressed his desire to see the l and of his ancestors, but said such a journey would not be safe. Duba knows, as Duba's weakness, much like kryptonite to Superman, nothing to shoot web onto to Spiderman, and cocaine to Robert Downey Junior, was the ocean.The gameplan was to raft down the Deleware River and, assuming that Duba and company would end up south of the River, float eastward and southward until washing up on the shores of Africa. Ferret Bob downloaded directions from Mapquest to confirm this route. The challenges though seemed great. Mojo spoke of a whale in the Deleware River, unsure if more would arrive and feed on ferrets, monkeys, or dubas. Duba said that whales would probably die from the oil spill that happened in the Deleware last year, and all shared a good laugh. Ferret Bob also had an idea that Duba and Mojo could scoop up some of the oil while he designed an engine to use on the raft. Ferret Bob realized that they were at more of a disadvantage than Gilligan and the Professor, but there is plenty of stuff floating in the ocean. The route was set, the rafting supplies were purchased, and Duba asked himself, "Why the Hell is this happening? Ferrets have claws, the raft is sure to get popped!" Sure enough, the initial run on the raft performed in Duba's pool resulted in an uninflatable raft with one drowning ferret, one defecating monkey, and one Duba, barely able to keep head above 4 feet of water. After repairing the raft with rafting patches, the crew was set. Duba took the crew down to the Deleware, underneath the Ben Franklin Bridge. What is in store for this trio next? Will they meet any new friends, enemies, and porpoises along the way? Keep it tuned here for more.

Saturday, September 24, 2005
Duba's Arc: down the river, through the bay, right into the anus of the ocean
Well, Duba and Mojo have officially run out of things to talk about. Duba was hoping that after not having seen Mojo for so long, that Duba's long time primate mate would have more to shed light on. Ferret Bob has actually found a way to use his tail to act as a rudder for Duba's Arc. Duba and his fearless crew left Camden via the Arc, free of seeing any dead bodies. Ferret Bob gave Duba and Mojo the impression that the moment the Arc washed up on the shores of Africa that it will still feel like Camden. Mojo smacked the shit out of Ferret Bob for being racist. In Ferret Bob's defense, Duba said that he is not racist, but more of a specist (he or she who is biased against another species). If Ferret Bob was racist, he would be calling another ferret a polecat or a weasle. Chinese polecat is not a racist term, but sure sounds like it. "What up my weasdiddle?" is acceptable slang among ferrets. However, should Mojo say "What is up my weasle?" he better have health insurance. Duba would have no problem with these conversations between ferrets, and Ferret Bob probably wouldn't mind either. However, if Duba would say something like "Get up Ferret Bob, you're such a lazy polecat" then Duba would have to fight pack of angry ferrets. That's the point that a ferret crosses the line between ferret and otter. Duba loves ferrets, obviously, but Duba hates otters. Let's just say that when that chromosome decided to split and mutate to transition from ferret to otter, it decided to bring an extra one along. Otters aren't everywehere, but you'll know one when you see one. You can piss off the most successful group of carnivores by insulting ALL Mustelids, but then you would be a familist. You do not want to go down that road. All Duba is saying is love your fellow species, families, subgroups, super groups, phyla, and kingdoms. That's all for Duba for now, but be sure to stay tuned as Duba magically gets the log entries onto the internet.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Duba's Arc: Rebirth
Well, the arc is off, and Duba finally got some sleep. You would think that after a week of travel that Duba would be able to sleep. Duba, Mojo, and Ferret Bob have been running watches at night, otherwise known as "Flying Fish Detail." Those little fuckers hurt when they smash into Duba's face at night. Ferret Bob enjoys it the most and sees it as a free meal. As a human being, Duba is afraid to eat the fish due to mercury or other poison. Mojo, while still a primate, does not have enough sense to reason that the flying fish are not actually sea demons. The weather has kind of gotten rough as the waves easily break the top of the 3 inch inflatable raft, arc if you will, making sleeping dangerous as well. Many times Duba has been rescued via mouth to ferret mouth and vice versa. As a human, Duba is too lazy to get up at the thought of a little water hitting Duba's hair, and for Ferret Bob, well, ferrets only stand 3 inches tall anyway. Ferret Bob has tried many times to stand on his hind legs, but Duba and Mojo have reached an agreement that it is never rewarding staring at ferret balls. No wonder Ferret Bob had 47 kids, his nuts are a portable sperm bank. Anyway, after much sleep, Duba feels reenergized. It is a rebirth, if you will for Duba. Think about it...Duba is in a whole new world, much like a newborn. Duba is covered in sea water, much like the less salty placenta and afterbirth that clung to Duba's eyes and mouth after exiting a vagina. This is a new landscape in which Duba cannot walk, but rather must keep balance and swim when necessary, much like a baby that was just farted out and cannot walk. Does this mean that Ferret Bob and Mojo are parents? Duba is not quite shore, but Mama Mojo sure has been able to catch some nice fish and prepare them for food. Mojo dives underwater, like some kind of dolphin/monkey hybrid, and seizes a fish. The fish is then laid out on the raft to be cooked by the sun. Sure, there is some rotting, but Ferret Bob has assured both of us that it is the "baddities" cooking out of the fish. After 3 days the fish is prime for eating. As for the trip progress, well, Duba and Duba's mates have lost site of land, and it is safe to say the arc is not moving west, at least, as if that were the case then the land would show back up. The water is getting colder, as Duba occasionally swims and performs the breast stroke as a means of towing the boat. The sun has been the compas used by Mojo. It has been extremely difficult to argue with Ferret Bob that when he pees/poops in the water, it is not leaving a trail mark to show how to get back or if the arc has been pushed back. Ferrets, there's no reasoning with them!

Friday, October 07, 2005
DUBA's ARC BREAKING NEWS: FERRET WHALE COMMUNICATIONS!!!
This is the most unbelievable turn of events yet!!! Duba was awakened this morning to a big wave of water. When Duba came to, Duba looked around and saw that the water was calm. There were some ripples in the water, but no waves to worry about. Then Duba felt pouring water on his back and an awkward baby-to-nipple suction sound. Duba turned to see the ugliest asshole Duba had ever seen, as Mojo had jumped up as well from the startling rain/sound. Sure enough, a whale, a Cetacean if you will, was floating next to Duba's arc. The whale, Duba shits you not, turned to face the arc, just bringing its eyes above the water. Then the most non-erotic moaning ever came from the whale like "EEEEEEEEEEEEEoooooooouuuuuuuuuuujdfkljdsalkfjsdfhasdlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiii. Duba and Mojo took each others' hand, as this could have been the end. Suddenly, Ferret Bob stood up, exposing his ferret balls and all, and let out "mmmmmmmmmklioooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuu." This must have been whale for "Back off fucker" because the whale actually did the backstroke to move further away from the arc. The whale then smashed its tail in to the water, creating another wave about 10 feet high (on an inflatable raft-arc 10 feet is way too much to handle). In an act of desperation, Duba threw Mojo at the wave, thinking it would stop it. Unsuccessful. Ferret Bob indicated to Duba to hold onto the raft. The raft turned upside down and after reemerging from the water, Duba spotted the raft and Mojo swimming towards it as well. Duba sidestroked Duba's way to the raft. When Duba met up with Mojo, well, Mojo was pissed off but he understood. Mojo was an involuntary team player. However, without Mojo alive, what would the point of this expedition have been anyways? Ferret Bob was still gone. The following...Hell, it was unexplainable. Here are the events as Duba remembers them.
The whale surfaced again, raised its tail up one more time. Suddenly the whale was pulled back down!
The whale was gone for a few seconds, but reemerged a second time. It arched its back, exposing clearly overused and overdamaged blowhole. The sphincter tightened for a second then shot open as Ferret Bob was projected straight up into the air.
Ferret Bob yelled "Yiiiiiyiiiiiiiiyiiiiiiiiiyiiiiiiiialiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimooooooooooo" at the peak of his ascent, only to brandish his claws and turn his direction in mid-air, much like Greg Luganis prior to head trauma/AIDS contraction. Ferret Bob rushed towards the head of whale, covering only one of its eyes.
Ferret Bob yelled again "wicky. WICKY!. MMeemmeeeemiiii nisthhhhhhhhiiiiii."
Miraculously, the whale stopped fighting. The whale swam calmly to the raft so that Ferret Bob could climb back aboard.
The whale, who by this point Duba had named "Fudgy" thrust his tail up into the air and looked as if he would slap the water for an unprecedented third time. Instead, just prior to impact with water, Fudgy gave the most heartfelt, genuine whale tail waive goodbye ever seen by any of Duba and his castmates. Fudgy stayed in his spot as the arc drifted further away from him.
Ferret Bob was exhausted, as he should be. Jerk smokes two packs a day. When Mojo and Duba asked what the Hell just happened, Ferret Bob just let out a weak "wick" and fell asleep. Duba and Mojo want to know what happened, but only time will tell.

Saturday, October 15, 2005
DUBA'S ARC: Wetter is better
Well, it has been raining for the past 8 days out here on the ocean. The arc is starting to become uncomfortable. Ferret Bob pisses is in his sleep, and the urine trickles down to Duba's face through the ridges on the raft. Mojo sits at the front of the arc with his feet in the ater, looking down. Duba told Mojo that he shouldn't sit there because he is only slowing the arc down. Mojo turned to Duba and said "What you gonna do about it?" Okay, now Duba's pissed. First off, Duba has no idea which side of the arc is actually the front, no idea which way the arc is going, Second, no matter which way the arc is going, sticking feet in the water will only slow it down. After arguing with Mojo, the primate honestly said "Look man, to be honest with you, and I mean I want to honestly make you feel my honesty on the this honest and honorable subject: I thought it would take a week to get there." Duba was touched by these words. Duba put his fist down, afterall, how many times can a human being punch a monkey without remorse anyway. 45. Just then, Ferret Bob farted, and a small ferret turd rolled out. The crew all had a good laugh. That's all for now. Stay tuned for more updates.

Sunday, November 27, 2005
Duba's Ark: Greenland is beautiful this time of year
Yo Greenland sucks.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Duba's Arc: The truth about Greenland
Well, what Duba wrote about Greenland was true. It sucks. The arc approached this land about three weeks ago that was covered in tundra. Ferret Bob was starving and tried to eat through the ice but chipped his tooth on the tundra. Dentists are not plentiful in Greenland (Suck point #1). Duba saw a sign that said "Welcome to Sunny Kangerluarsoruseq." (Suck Point #2). The sun was out for about 32 seconds when Duba and Mojo saw that sign. On the 33 second of light, it was immediately dark. Duba tried warning Ferret Bob that the loss in sunlight would mean a trip to Duba's least favorite land...Greenland. However, he was stubborn and would not use his tail-rudder to stear the arc southeast. Duba looked for a place to warm up and found the Vik-Inn. Duba went in with $18, looking for some nice alcohol to keep Duba's body warm with artificial feeling. Duba somehow left with $1,435.23, a viking helmet, squid (nicknamed S-money), and a tatoo on Duba's shoulder saying "S-money was here." God that squid is annoying. Mojo, however, was retarded and thought that he was in Zambia. He tried explaining to Duba, Ferret Bob, and S-money that global warming had caused Zambia to freeze. S-money shot his blue goo at him in protest. Duba would have to agree. While global warming would cause global temperature and weather changes, it would not result in Zambia freezing over. But Duba would have to guess that until Zambia does freeze over, there is no proof of warming anyway. Anyway, Ferret Bob thought "Hey, wickee wickee we are in Greenwickee. Ickee lieeek molybdenum." Molybdenum. This little hair ball wanted Molybdenum. So, Duba now possessed an authentic viking helmet and a sachel full of molybdenum. Duba and his crew (minus S-money as he needed to be left with the arc so that he would not die) went to another club called Squiggy The Micro Vikro. Let Duba tell you, all 56,000 people, babies included, were at the Micro Vikro. These people are so Greenlandic. Let's just say there were 56,000 people doing the Carlton. Not the Charleston. The Carlton. After that night, the water was frozen and the arc was stuck in ice for the rest of the three weeks. Thank Buddha S-money is a squid and could submerge him/herself under water. Duba met a minority in Greenland, Eskimo Joe. Eskimo Joe helped Duba navigate around the country on a scooter. Not one of those little vespa scooters, but a razor scooter. They are expensive, and Duba was the only animal among the crew with a license. Duba, Ferret Bob, Mojo, and Eskimo Joe hopped on the scooter and were off at a frantic 11 mph (approximately 5368 sweens per hour, the Greenlandic unit for distance). Duba rented a room for the Vik-Inn at $0.05 a night, $0.25 a week. Eskimo Joe does NOT like to share the covers. Fucking eskimo needs to keep warm? Why did he give Duba the Blubber-et? Mojo said eskimos must be 99% asian, 0.5% native american, and 0.5% jewish. Duba awoke one morning to Ferret Bob eating the Blubber-et and Duba was very cold very quick. The last night of Duba's stay, there was a repairman at the Vik-Inn to fix the heater. Duba did not even know there was one there. The repairman simply pushed the button marked "Qyueteasssssssaoet" which the repairman said was Greenlandic for "On." Buddha-damn Greenland. The heat was on for a great night's sleep until the uncomfortable moment when Eskimo Joe took off his clothes as he was sweating like a fat kid at Mr. Bulky. Eskimo Joe broke the ice free from the arc the next morning. S-money surfaced, shot a lighter shade of blue goo at us, signaling it was time to go. Eskimo Joe said "Eskimo Joe thanks you for your eskimo like qualities in Greenland. We need more white people in Greenland. Hahahahahahahaha just kidding that's all we are in Greenland." Funny stuff. Then, Eskimo Joe said "As a gift to you, Duba, I offer you my hand." With that Eskimo Joe pulled out a dork-knife and sliced his hand off. Duba said, "Holy shit Joe your hand fell off!!!! You need to stop the bleeding!!!!" Eskimo Joe stated, "The only thing to stop Eskimo blood is molybdenum. Please, brother, stop my bleeding or you too will taste my pain." Duba threw the molybdenum at Eskimo Joe while Ferret Bob ate his hand. The raft drifted away into the noon-moon as Eskimo Joe fumbled for the molybdenum. The thing that pissed Duba off the most of Eskimo Joe was his attitude. Duba thought, "Great, Eskimo Joe has given all Americans a bad name...Oh wait, they're not Americans." All had a good laugh. Zambia or BUST!!!

Monday, December 12, 2005
Duba's Arc: S-Money GONE!
Well folks, for those who do not remember, S-Money was the squid that Duba picked up from Shittown, Greenland. S-Money was great over these last couple weeks, giving the crew of the arc fish in exchange for love-making sessions with Ferret Bob. It was not known to this day whether or not S-Money was male or female, hence making S-Money gay or straight. Duba guesses that when it comes to squid booty, there really is no difference. Anywho, S-Money submerged him/herself one day in hopes of bringing up a big fish. Suddenly there was a blue liquid that shot up next to the arc so quick it actually caused bubbles to burst on the surface of the water!!! Concerned, Duba looked over, stuck Duba's head in the blue goo and called for S-Money. S-Money came to the surface, looking tired, beaten, and older. Then, the unthinkable. Tiny little squids arose to the surface, swimming all over. But here's the kicker, the baby squids had furry tails!!! What was even more shocking (and unrealistic) was that squids do not give live birth. Duba and Mojo looked at Ferret Bob in disgust. This was gross. Mojo woke Ferret Bob with a pull on his pee-pee as that device was the cause of all of this. Ferret Bob awoke only to look shocked and surprised at the little squirrets swimming around. Ferret Bob hissed, and S-Money shot blue goo. It must have been a custody argument. Ferret Bob leaped into the water and immediately began devouring the devil spawn of ferret and squid. Afterall, Ferret Bob is a ferret. Just like a freakin' pole cat, never wants to take care of the kids. Anywho, Ferret Bob ate all the kids and then attacked S-Money. Let Duba just say that the score is now Ferret Bob: 2, Ocean animals: 0. Ferret Bob fucked her (it is now conclusive S-Money was a girl) up pretty bad, and, as she struggled to shoot blue goo while bleeding heavily, was devoured, tentacle by bloody tentacle, by sharks. At the end of the gorefest, only one eyeball remained floating on the water. Ferret Bob licked up some of the blue goo on the arc and spit it on the eyeball, smirking devilishly, and fell back asleep. Mojo tried to tell Duba that since Ferret Bob, a mammal, inseminated a squid, a cephalopod, live birth was possible. Hmmmm. You learn something new every day.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006
DUBA's ARC: Catching Up
Well folks, it's been awhile since Duba wrote about the chronicles of Duba's Arc. Mojo has become extremely emaciated with slight stomach swelling. Boy, let's hope Duba's Arc doesn't land in Ethiopia. Duba would never be able to pick Mojo out of that crowd! Oh wait, Mojo would probably be the one without a fly on his eyeball yet. That's all for now, stay tuned for more of Duba's Arc.

P.S. - What did you expect? It's been months on water. Yeah the Arc landed at Greenland, but that's it. It has just been smooth sailing/rafting/arcing. Until next time.