DNN NEWS FLASH/BREAK/BULLETIN
SEALS TO CONQUER ASIA BY 2009

Hong Kong, Thursday August 10, 2006

Asians all across the continent of Asia, excluding Eurasia, have a new threat to its existence. Over the past couple years, especially in the "Ring of Fire" tectonically active area, natural disasters such as earthquakes and a tsunami have rittled the landscape. Even today, as reported on CNN.com, a "monster" typhoon is heading towards China. Asia, including two of the world's jugernauts of population growth in China and India, faces a new threat to its very existence.

Population projections indicate that the Asian continent will be home to approximately 4 billion people by the year 2011. However, evidence of a new threat has significantly dropped that expected number to only 1.34 billion. That would actually be a decrease in population that is extremely dramatic and would be roughly the equivalent of China's own population in the 1990's. The threat is not famine, not disease, not even the Asian bird flu that was started in, uh, Asia.

That threat is seals. Seals have various threatening aspects that are not considered when people visit them in zoos and watch them clap and bark and dive for dead fish. In fact, seals have been a looming threat since at least 1989. As seals migrate annually, a species of seal has been undergoing almost a natural "training" that has consisted of increased traveling distance on land, climate adaptation, and Muay Thai fighting. Every year, there are very few reported cases of seal attacks. However, all cases have one suspect - the 24C Seal.

The 24C Seal is short for 24 Chromosome Seal. The seal received its name from the condition of mental retardation that occurs in human beings who have one extra chromosome. These people, while limited in mental capacity, have the ability to do almost supernatural feats of strength known as "retard strength." While not politically correct, it can accurately describe the capabilities of this extreme seal. They have trained in Antartica, obviously oblivious to the harsh temperatures. Their fins can push through ice. They can sense fish in the water from up to 1/4 mile away. Most interesting of all is that they can chase penguins up to 1 mile. The 24C Seal actually moves so fast that it gets ahead of the penguin, does a little touchdown dance, then turns to eat the penguin. A 24C Seal captured for observations was actually put in a foot/flipper race with an ostrich and a cheetah. While the cheetah came out on top, the 24C Seal came in second.

This is where the real threat lies for Asia. While no human can run as fast as a cheetah, a car is a good substitute. However, with nearly 3 billion people currently hopping in cars to escape the wrath of the 24C Seal, congestion will occur and Asians will be literally fish in a barrel to the seals.

Another unique feature of the 24C Seal is that it migrates almost as if it is on a world tour. There is no set path from year to year. Rather, the seals have been located off the coasts of North and South America, Europe, Africa, and most recently Antarctica. This world tour has almost been like a training as the seals have continued "training" in more advanced ways with each stop over the last 20 years. The next stop in 2009 is China, Japan, Indonesia, and India. Some stragglers may show up at Australia, but who cares.

A renowned 24C Seal expert R. E. Nownd stated "The looming threat of the 24C Seal is great. Not great in a "great" sense but rather great as in a "great" magnitude. While accurate projections cannot be made until after the seals arrive in Asia, I can estimate that over 3 billion people my rest in the belly of the seal. They are hungry. They want your children."